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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’ve slowly grown more comfortable with my own inconsistencies in my writing and formatting. You’ve ALL noticed that I sometimes leave i uncapitalized, a deliberate move on my part to show that I’m not taking that particular sentence too seriously, nor taking myself seriously enough to justify the capitalization of the first person. Sometimes I’ll … Continue reading AWD Style Guide
"Guilty With Explanation, Your Honor." It's a long and winding road to explain how I ended up saying those words in a courtroom, and the only style of narrative writing I've ever known is to start at the beginning. Chapter 1 - Home DepotChapter 2 - I got hit by a truckChapter 3 - The … Continue reading I got hit by a truck
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, and that's the way I like it. I've lived an eventful life for a white kid growing up in North Dakota and I have no regrets. My daily boredom has directed me toward something that was previously off-limits to me: Publicly trolling people … Continue reading My New Hobby: Being a heinous idiot on public Facebook forums
Coworker1 "I could be your granddaddy. Is your grandma single?" Coworker2 "Actually my grandmother is dead." Me "Well, is she single?" Coworker2 "No, she's actually buried next to her husband." Me "Oh... well uhh... 'Till Death Do Us Part' am I right?" — — — — — — — — — — Normally that's not … Continue reading How much offensive shit can I get away with at work?
It was our first day in Croatia, and our tour itinerary for the whole extended weekend contained the following items: (1) Get hammered on the beach. (2) ...That was basically it. We aren't stressful travelers. Our first order of business was to get some sunblock. We aren't stupid. It was the middle of the summer, … Continue reading Croatian Vacation with a side of sunblock that didn’t work
I got into my usual variety of shenanigans on a ski trip I took with three friends while I was living in Germany: Making fun of someone's glove straps and then losing my gloves about 20 minutes laterBurping loudly in front of attractive girls90s songs singalongsAccidentally ordering from the kids menu because I can't read … Continue reading Getting chased down a ski mountain by a group of large German men
It was me and two young soldiers, walking along in some neighborhood. They were new to the army, I think about 20 years old or so. [Yes I am in the navy; I was working at a joint command.] We were in a country where legally we weren't supposed to be drinking at all, on … Continue reading I am such a fucking role model
I recently started seeing a physical therapist for my back problems. I've put up with the various issues my whole life, but it's time to finally face the fact that these symptoms are not normal: - Yearly shoulder paralysis that lasts several days and renders me unable to function as a human being - Constant … Continue reading I had just met my physical therapist, and it’s like she’d known me my whole life
Me, Locke, and Kel kicked off the night by discovering that when you take a lighter and light the tip of a bottle of 190 proof (95%) grain liquor, the entire inside of the bottle lights up, shooting fire and heat out the nozzle like a jet engine. We are already setting shit on fire. … Continue reading My short-lived career as a singer
My friend Locke and I were hanging out, drinking pure grain alcohol (190 proof, 95% alcohol) as we usually did, and were getting into various sorts of trouble in my apartment. I didn't really remember much the next day. Me "Yeah I think I blacked out somewhere around 9:30 PM or so." Locke "That was … Continue reading That piñata really had it coming
I was stationed in Bahrain for a year, and it was a pretty dark point in my life. The reasons why will be found in some other memoir, but not today. Fear not; this entire story is about being blackout drunk in a country I didn't understand. No weepy bullshit today. WHAT I'M SAYING IS … Continue reading Making out with dudes, pissing off Uber rides, and getting lost in Bahrain
Takes place at Tsunami Burger Yokosuka. In the middle of The Honch, in Yokosuka, Japan, there's this burger shop. It's pretty good. But they also have this massive ¥5,200 burger (about $45) that nobody ever orders. It's just an attraction — the idea that you could order something that crazy if you wanted to. My girlfriend-at-the-time … Continue reading The Burger of Destiny
This night started like every other truly disastrous night in my life: Tequila. I've done literally unspeakable things under the influence of tequila, things I'm still embarrassed about to this day, which is a notoriously hard point to get to in my life. A little backstory about my life, and life in general. Let's just … Continue reading The Devil went down to Tokyo: A tale of vomit and violence
I begrudgingly roll out of bed, not yet ready to greet the day. I felt like I would rather put my face through a meat grinder than go to work. It was about 8:00 PM, and I worked the 9:30 PM to 9:30 AM shift. That's 12 straight hours of mindless PowerPoint-making, staring at screens, … Continue reading The giant penis-shaped surprise in my shower
Think of any request you ask of someone on a scale of 1-10, with 5 being average, 1 being completely unreasonable, and 10 being on the level of simplicity as "Do you have a pen?" If you set up your request with a bunch of apologetic language, the person thinks you're going to ask a … Continue reading Overstate the negativity of your request (aka “framing”)
I'm not on the market looking for dates right now, but if I was standing next to a cute girl on the evening train and wanted to talk to her, I would start by saying, "Hey, I know it's sort of unusual to talk to strangers on the train, but I really like your dress. … Continue reading Acknowledge what you are doing is weird
Drink water, avoid carbs Before you're even at your desk to begin typing anything out, I drink lots of water, and avoid foods high in carbohydrates. I already eat paleo anyway, but I'll still avoid rice, which is difficult as I live in Japan and rice is everywhere. Tonight, I ate two large takeout dishes from a … Continue reading Functional writing advice
Disclaimer: I don't recommend lying. It's wrong and it's risky. You'll feel bad about it, depending on how much of a conscience you have, and the more you do it, the greater the chance someone's going to catch you. That being said, if you're going to lie... do it well. A great way to reduce … Continue reading Fake a headache
Even if you don't care about the morality of lying, from a purely utilitarian, functional perspective, you will have an easier life if you tell the truth and refuse to lie. (If you "accidentally" tell a lie, immediately correct yourself to the truth, and make some joke about it. "Wait what? Why did I say … Continue reading Lying: Don’t fucking do it
Disclaimer: I don't recommend lying. It's wrong and it's risky. You'll feel bad about it, depending on how much of a conscience you have, and the more you do it, the greater the chance someone's going to catch you. That being said, if you're going to lie... do it well. If you can think of … Continue reading Don’t leave room for failure when lying
If you can't decide between two job offers, or two different people you matched on Tinder... one way to make up your own mind is to schedule both on the same day, at the same time, in different locations. You'll pick one.
Disclaimer: I don't recommend lying. It's wrong and it's risky. You'll feel bad about it, depending on how much of a conscience you have, and the more you do it, the greater the chance someone's going to catch you. That being said, if you're going to lie... do it well. I've had lots of people … Continue reading Pretend to be a bad liar
Disclaimer: I don't recommend lying. It's wrong and it's risky. You'll feel bad about it, depending on how much of a conscience you have, and the more you do it, the greater the chance someone's going to catch you. That being said, if you're going to lie... do it well. If you believe what you … Continue reading Believe that your own lie is the truth
Change -- the kind that is true and lasting -- comes when you want to change more than you want to stay the same. It's January 2015 as I write this. I want to say this: A New Years resolution is great! Wanting to do better at something shows self-awareness, and that is excellent. A … Continue reading New Years resolutions / Changing your life
A better way to accomplish that goal is to mentally work out solutions to the actual problem at hand. If someone isn't doing their job, think of how to solve the problem itself. This may involve directly confronting the person, or it may involve actually going to your superior and reporting them for not doing … Continue reading Passive control over others
I'm not sure it's exactly "breaking into someone's house" if you have the spare key, but my best friend Locke came over and just opened the front door. He didn't even call, because he knew better — I never answer my phone. Especially while on vacation. Which I had been, for a month. But I … Continue reading Locke and I visit Hiroshima; I meet the girl of my dreams
Basically, just give anything that even sounds like a reason, and people will be much more likely to accept whatever you're saying. It doesn't have to be a good reason at all, just as long as there is one. Automaticity is a big word that means "we can do things without really thinking about it." … Continue reading Even stupid reasons make you more convincing
(27 JAN 2020 UPDATE: I have struggled with explaining this more than any other concept I've ever dreamt up. I will likely write more about this in the future, because there's so much to say. This has a small impact on every action a person takes, building up over time to really change someone's life … Continue reading Don’t leave room for failure
Humans act in defiance of outside sources telling them what to do. If you desire someone to do something, tell them that they won't do it. "I know you're not going to do this, but I'm going to ask you anyway.""I know you always do this, and I know you're going to, but I'm going … Continue reading I know you won’t do this, but…
This post is a little more philosophical in nature, but there will be specific advice as well. Brownie Points are a real thing. When you conduct a good deed, or do someone a favor for someone, that person will like you a little more. Next time you need something, that person will be more likely … Continue reading Build up brownie points, so you can spend them
It's such a cliche piece of advice, but never try to argue with someone at work if you're feeling emotional about the situation. If a superior says something to you that hurts your feelings, or makes you irritated, or angry, or whatever... don't respond at all. Just shut up, take your medicine, and do what … Continue reading Don’t fire back while you’re emotional
It's fairly accepted common wisdom that people remember negative things more than the positive things. When someone majorly screws up, they'll be known for that, rather than anything else good that they did. Advice to not majorly screw up is, of course, easier said than done. But you can negate your wrongdoing in people's minds … Continue reading Generosity builds up persuasive power
Everyone will talk behind each others' backs. My advice is to not take part in any of this. Gossip itself is poisonous. The more you do it, the more likely it is someone will eventually find out what you think of them, and that bridge is now burned. You'll never be true friends with that … Continue reading Avoid gossiping, unless it’s for a purpose
If someone says something close / similar to what it is that you want to convey, use that as a springboard to give your actual opinion. "Blah blah blah" You: "I agree with that. I think you're absolutely right. [insert your opinion here]. It's exactly like what you said, [repeat whatever they said]. People generally … Continue reading Agreeing, but not really
Be cooperative. Even if you aren't interested in morality at all, being peaceful and promoting win-win scenarios works out in your favor much more often than badgering your way through life and coercing people. Aggressive coercion is better at getting what you want in the short-term, but then will often close the door for situations … Continue reading Wage successful wars through peace
Don't start a battle unless you plan on winning the entire war This is one of the most important aspects of office politics. Never try to disagree with a superior unless you're certain you're right, and you're reasonably sure you'll actually succeed at the end goal of whatever it is you're trying to do. A … Continue reading Don’t start a battle unless you plan on winning the entire war
My old roommate and I wrote these on a small magnetic dry-erase board and stuck it to the wall in our apartment. My handwriting is atrocious, so here are the rules of gayness we made up: (1) It's not gay if you're wearing socks. (2) It's not gay if you don't come twice. (3) It's … Continue reading The rules of gayness
WARNING: This post is not funny. When people ask me why I joined the military, I'll usually rattle off the same lines anyone else does. - You can go to college for free, and even maybe get your current loans paid back- The job market was unpredictable after the various late-2000s financial crashes- You can … Continue reading The real reason I joined the military
THIS POST IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. Adam "You know how back in the 50s, Elvis was so controversial because he moved his hips or whatever?" Kara "Yeah?" Adam "Well, today we're used to artists like Eminem being a certain level of offensiveness, but we can assume it’ll only keep going. It makes … Continue reading The most offensive song in the world
At my university, like probably any other university, it was pretty common to get an email from someone who was sick that day, asking if someone in the class can send them the notes. They log onto the university network thing, find the class registry, and send a mass email to every student in the … Continue reading Being an asshole when someone politely asks for that day’s notes from class
I was dating a girl who, during one of my blackout drunken antics / rant nights, decided to write down a bunch of ridiculous shit that I said and did: — — — Talking to a shot glass: Me "Why are you so sticky" Shot glass "Because I am" Me "Wow... you can't talk...." — … Continue reading The Drunk Blog
There's a good chance you've never been to a Taco John's. The reason I think that is because I've never met anyone outside the Midwest who's even heard of it. It's essentially Taco Bell but with higher quality ingredients — like eating at Carl's Jr instead of McDonald's. Well, my mother was a manager at … Continue reading My Job: Tacos, but mostly shenanigans
Whenever I feel like falling off the healthy eating wagon, my absolute favorite junk food snack in the world is Combos. These things: They may LOOK like turds wrapped in other, larger turds, but that's where you would be wrong. Combos come in either cracker or pretzel shells, but I hate pretzels, so really the … Continue reading Comboner
She was in the bathroom for way too long, and we all knew it. When the door finally opened, the woman immediately exited the building. Straight out the door. Didn't dare look any of us in the eye. This is never good. Nobody was in the restaurant anymore except for us three workers. One of … Continue reading Cutting company waste: A heroic tale of poop
Radio killed the radio star. "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles was a beautiful song until I heard it at least twice a day, every day, for what felt like an entire lifetime of suffocating, poppy bubbliness. That song came out in 2007, and I'm only recently (within the last six months) able to listen to … Continue reading Long time listener, last time caller
My friend was in conflict with her boyfriend. It was nothing new. And as my friends seemed to do so often at the time, her complaints were all being directed to me instead of their deserving recipient — her boyfriend. I don't know where the annual Shitty Boyfriend Conference meets every year, but I need … Continue reading How to save a life: A non-fiction murder mystery
Found an old archive of pictures taken between 2006-2008. It was the time of shitty flip phone cameras, and certainly before smartphones were a thing. "PDA's" were even still around. In fact, I had one. Among these photos were a recorded collection of a hobby I used to have: signing deliberately fake, absurd signatures on … Continue reading I rarely used my real signature; why bother?
Okay, so I found the full story of the guy who called while I was working tech support, who told me all about his crazy ex. As I mentioned in the rest of the tech support stories, our calls are supposed to be 9 minutes and 30 seconds, or less, otherwise we get in trouble. … Continue reading Finally found the rest of that “crazy ex-girlfriend” tech support call
I'm sure you've called tech support at one point or another in your life. A billing issue, a warranty claim, maybe your internet quit working for a little while... you never get anywhere, you're on hold for three years listening to the same 1990s Cisco Systems music looping over and over. Eventually the person gives … Continue reading My Job: Fix your internet and deal with your emotional issues
It's now a decade later as I write this, and if some minor today wanted me to buy them cigarettes or booze, I would openly laugh in their face and tell them to get fucked. Get older. Or go bribe a homeless guy to risk jail time for you. As far as this story goes, … Continue reading Buying cigarettes for flaky minors is asking for trouble
One of my friends was going to deliver a pizza, and the other thought she was stupid for doing so. I don't think I cared either way. I was hanging out with two of my friends, who we will call Candy and Selena. I chose the name 'Candy' because her real name is already a … Continue reading Driving through a construction zone [and running from police(?)]
Me "I need to buy a new rim for my tire." Mechanic "Alright, will you be buying a hubcap as well?" Me "I don't know what that is." Mechanic "It's the gray covering that goes over the rim." Me "What do they do?" Mechanic "They're just a protective covering for the rims." Me "But aren't … Continue reading I don’t know what a hubcap is
I don't smoke. But that's where all the cool people hang out, so obviously, that's where I was during break time. Plus my grandma used to smoke around me when I was a kid, so I guess it reminds me of home in a dark sort of way. One of my smoking co-workers brought up … Continue reading My Job: Get an erection for science
The night I had my first drink of alcohol was an eventful one. It was also the first night I smoked a cigarette, had sex, and bought porn. I had turned 18 a couple months prior. I have repeatedly warned you I wasn't cool in high school. (BTW, only one of those four tales will … Continue reading My first drink
During the summer after my final year of high school, my best friend Mike started a Facebook group called "I was with Mike and Adam and almost died." The group had a respectable membership in the low 20s. This is one of those stories. I grew up in a city town village of about 10,000 … Continue reading The skunk that almost killed us
My friends and I had frequent encounters with law enforcement. But we were rarely ever doing anything actually wrong or illegal; it's much more due to the fact that small town cops don't have a whole lot to do. Our tiny city was apparently some sort of "meth capital of the Midwest," but have no … Continue reading The parking lot water gun fight
We used to go in the forest because it was creepy as shit at night. That's really it. There are no streetlights, and the small, boring city I'm from doesn't hit high enough of a population for there to be any light pollution. That's what the entrance looks like during the day, from the street … Continue reading The Matrix Forest: My one unexplained paranormal experience
There wasn't a whole lot to do in the small town I grew up in. Since my friends and I weren't cool enough to drink in high school, one of our favorite hobbies was going to Walmart. Seriously. A lot of these 2005-2007 stories follow this similar theme; us getting into a situation we'd never … Continue reading Chatting on MSN with robots
I'm a sucker for bets. This story takes place over a decade ago, but to this day I still challenge coworkers and friends to ridiculous bets, usually for $1. It's not about the money. It's never about the money. It's about the... well, I don't know. In high school, I worked at a grocery store, … Continue reading My Job: Stupid bets when I’m not stocking shelves
Summer vacation. The thing I miss most about childhood. In second place would be a general lack of lower back problems. A friend was over at my house to... play Kirby's Dream Course or whatever it is we did in the late 90s. My mom was at work, which just meant instead of being wild, … Continue reading Breaking plastic dinosaurs
I used to have a joke I would tell whenever I was in a conversation with someone about our childhoods. "Pick a number from 1 to 12, and I'll tell you about the fight I got into that year in school." If you are a reader of this blog and you studied psychology in any … Continue reading I was a difficult adolescent