An incomplete list of everything in the world that annoys me:

1: Finding out that there is no toilet paper on the roll, above the toilet, in closets, under clothes, or anywhere else in the entire house. Especially when you find out “after it’s already too late.” You’re thrown at the mercy of the gods to find something around to use that is disposable, semi-disposable, probably not disposable, or something that, in light of the current circumstances, you have decided you no longer need.

2: Back in the day:

“Hey, this is Adam, leave me a message!” [Beep!] And then you leave your message.

Now:

“Hey, this is Adam, leave me a message!” At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. To leave a callback number, press 5. [Long, useless silence…] [Beep!] And then you leave your message.

3: “Now that I have a cell phone, I am going to scroll through the basic ringtone list, pick out the loudest, most obnoxious one I can possibly find, and turn the volume all the way up. And never use vibrate. Even when I’m in a business meeting, at church, a funeral, or while I’m doing a B&E, stealing diamonds out of a jewelry box with the owners sleeping four feet away.”

4: “All-State accident forgiveness: Making the world a safer place.” All-State will not make your rates go up just because you get into an accident. I enjoy the policy? But this is not “making the world a safer place.” The reason insurance companies raise your rates after an accident is to DISCOURAGE accidents (because accidents cost them money, but motive is irrelevant). The All-State “Safe Driving Bonus” where you get money back every six months you don’t have an accident DOES make the world a safer place.

5: When people say things like “He gave the tickets to she and I.” If you’re going to try to sound proper, do it right. Allow me to explain grammar to you. The subject is at the beginning of the sentence, and the object is at the end of the sentence. The word “I” is a subject, and the word “me” is an object. Me is never to be used as a subject (except in this sentence), and the object should never contain I (except in this sentence).

To say “They went with Shannon and I” means you are trying to sound smart, but failing, because you’re using improper English.

6: The same goes with the word “whom.” If you really REALLY want to use the word “whom,” don’t ever use it at the beginning of a sentence. Nothing bothers me more than picking up a newspaper and seeing “Whom is it for?” written.

7: Lipozene commercials. Next time you see commercials for a drug called Lipozene, the drug “clinically proven to reduce your body fat and help you lose weight,” take the time to read the fine print at the bottom. The commercial may tell you that you will lose “pounds of body fat,” and that “75% of the weight lost was pure body fat,” but this is what the fine print says.

Every single Lipozene commercial says this at the bottom:

“Average of 3.86 lbs of fat loss over an 8 week university study”

8: Radio stations that overplay songs. “Hips Don’t Lie,” “Hey There Delilah,” and “Temperature” weren’t bad songs. Until you would hear one of them about six times. In one day. It really takes its place in the “STOP FUCKING PLAYING THIS SONG” Hall of Fame when you hear it on a station, change it to another because you’ve heard it too many times, only to hear it also playing on another station at the same time.

9: Pictures that were taken with way too much brightness. Hey that’s a cool picture of… a person that I can’t make out amidst the contrast.

10: Companies that seemingly don’t test their products. For example: That damn blinding blue light on my computer speakers. WHY do you need an indicator that it’s on in the first place, much less a light bright enough to see from orbit? Here’s a clue: If sound is COMING OUT OF THE SPEAKERS, THEY’RE ON. NO NEED FOR A NUCLEAR-POWERED LAZER LIGHT STRAIGHT INTO MY EYE TO TELL ME THEY’RE WORKING.

I could do an entire list of just these. Products that were obviously minimally tested at best.

11: People who will struggle to get a parking space close to the door, even if 3-4 spaces down, the rest of the lot is empty. BUT NO. That extra 10 yards is just TOO MUCH. MUST RISK ACCIDENT AND/OR DENTED CARS LOL.

12: The Super Wall, the Mega Wall, the Picture Wall, the Cool Wall, the Fucking Amazing Wall, all the different walls out there that are each seperate Facebook applications are WORTHLESS. Oh, you can post URLs and have a preview show up? The regular wall DOES THAT.

13: Then there’s the people that are on a mission to get every single application on Facebook. There may be 100,000 of them, but they’ll be damned if they don’t try and download every single one of them to display on their profile, and then expect everyone’s web browser to load all of that shit every time their profile is viewed. And then where do you decide to put your wall? At the bottom.

14: Deal or No Deal is the lamest piece of shit game I’ve ever seen. If you aren’t familiar with this phenomenon, which is pretty much impossible because everyone and their mom watches the thing, here’s an extensive list of things you need to know in order to play the game:

(1) You need to know how to blindly choose between some unknown options.

(2) No wait… that’s it.

The whole object of the game is to randomly choose a case with an unknown amount of money in it, and then blindly eliminate other cases of money until you’re left with a few options. Then some “Banker” offers you a deal, and you have to either take that deal or keep going, hoping you can end up with more money than the offer.

The ONLY place where any amount of “skill” comes into play is mathematically calculating the odds of getting more money than the deal is worth and choosing whether to risk or go the safe route.

It sounds a lot more complicated than it actually is. Here’s a summary: You are playing a game show based on blind guessing and pure luck. It’s just hyped-up gambling. Only all the contestants are loud, crazy, and annoying.

Here’s a new game show idea: The contestant plays on a slot machine for 45 minutes and tries to see if he can win money! I could call it “Vegas: The Game Show!” Oh man I just thought of another one! It’s called “Flip a Goddamn Coin!” The host flips a coin and you have to guess how it will land! I’m going to be a fucking millionaire.

I remember when there were REAL game shows on TV like Legends of the Hidden Temple. The contestants would answer trivia questions about history, climb through various mazes and obstacle courses, and even participate in events like rock climbing, all in timed races and encouraging fast-paced competition. And it was KIDS playing this show. And today’s entertainment is based on adults making a few grade-school math calculations to see if a risk is worth taking? YAWN.

15: Waking up from totally awesome dreams. It just sucks.

16: The ways of the universe seem to work out well sometimes, such as the area where carts go in supermarkets. The ones that have been in the cold will be at the back of the line. By the time they get to the front, they won’t be freezing cold to the touch anymore. This is opposed to some opposite universe where the cold ones are always in front for some reason.

Then there’s situations where the universe doesn’t work out. If the previous is evidence of God’s exisence and design, the latter is proof that reality and existence makes more sense if there is an equal amount of useful and useless design, and this would be true whether God actually does exist or not.

ANYWAY. Let’s stick with supermarkets. You buy a bunch of groceries, and one of the bags has a loaf of bread in it. You will put this bag on top of all the other bags in the cart. All the heavy stuff.

But then when you get to your car, the bread is on the top, forcing you to put the bread in first. Then the heavy stuff goes in, but you can’t put it on the bread because it will crush. So you have to… and here lies the dilemma.

17: Walmart closes on Sunday mornings until noon. This may just be a North Dakota law, but if a store does not make a certain percentage of its earnings from groceries or food products, it is required by law to be closed between the hours of midnight and noon on Sunday morning. Whatever happened to “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion”?

18: When people don’t fill their bathroom with ample toilet paper. You go to someone’s house, and there’s one roll.

19: That’s not even the worst. Some people don’t even store the toilet paper in the bathroom itself, but rather some closet somewhere else in the house where it does absolutely no good. You’re going to the bathroom and you’re out of toilet paper, so you walk down the hall and take a left to get some more? Put the toilet paper RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED IT.

20: When people leave me this voicemail: “Hey it’s me! Call me back!” I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

21: People who devote their lives to pointless causes: “Keep the roads safe! Drive with your lights on during the day!” As if driving with your lights on during the day is some sort of world-saving action.

22: <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_Phelps”>Fred Phelps</a>.

23: Radio announcers who talk about things they know nothing about. They were discussing something related to Aqua Teen Hunger Force or whatever.

“…on that Adult Swim thing, what network is that on?”

“Uhh Cartoon Network.”

“Yeah where the shows on there might be a little more PG…”

PG? Shut the hell up.

24: That one anti-drug commercial where the chick is talking on the phone to her friend, and her friend tells her about some picture of her that’s been going around. Apparently it depicts her doing something embarrassing. “Man, I was so high last night.” Then she sees some people around her start to get the picture on their phone, and they start whispering to each other. That’s the END OF THE COMMERCIAL.

What the hell is the message here? Don’t smoke pot or else… you’ll do embarrassing things and people will take pictures of you and send them around? How compelling.

25: People who play the same goddamn song 13 times in a row at Guitar Hero displays. I loved “Even Flow” until Best Buy demos came around.

26: Geodude learns Mud Sport. He is rock / ground type, and ground Pokemon are immune to electric attacks completely. Mud Sport is a move that weakens the power of electric attacks done against the user, and only against the user while in play. Switching out cancels it, so its ONLY POSSIBLE USE is to lessen the damage done by electric attacks. Only electric attacks ALREADY do absolutely no damage to Geodude because he’s a ground type. The move is absolutely 100% useless.

Its only conceivable purpose would be as an egg move (if anyone in Geodude’s egg group even HAS Mud Sport as an egg move), but the move sucks anyway, and anyone dealing with “egg moves” obviously knows enough about Pokemon to know not to waste one out of four move slots on Mud Sport.

27: Watching Football – Too much stopping and starting. Not enough action.

28: Watching Poker – I’ve seen people watch Poker and be entertained and I STILL don’t believe people can watch Poker and be entertained. You are watching people play with cards. The only non-luck-based part of the game is how to bluff and throw off your opponent. That’s it!

29: Watching Golf – You are knocking a ball. Into a hole. In the ground. Professional players all play the same way and don’t seem to have much difference in skill, because there’s limits on how far the… okay I’m boring myself even talking about it. I rarely get bored of hearing myself talk, but this has done it. The only fun part about watching Golf is hoping they screw up in a funny way like hitting it way into the trees, plunking it in the water, or going postal and beating the shit out of Bob Barker. No wait, that was a movie.

30: Watching Racing – Oh what the FUCK. Racing is fun, and watching some sort of short drag race or something similar would be fun (like in The Fast And The Furious), but watching some long-ass three hour race of some fucking cars going around in a circle? Even if I was illegally betting on a race I wouldn’t watch it. Just check the stats after it’s done! And if you aren’t betting, what is the point of even seeing who got what place? Who cares! Oh look, they’re FUCKING DRIVING. Oh wow they’re TURNING. Hey they’re DRIVING SOME MORE. If I wanted to watch cars drive I’d stare out my goddamn bedroom window.

31: Being stuck in a room where everyone is intently watching any of the above. At least if it’s hockey, basketball, or soccer there’s constant action and physical contact. Especially hockey. I can watch hockey games any day.

32: The song “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who in Rock Band. It’s a very fun song to play on any of the instruments (especially drums… Keith Moon is a genius), except about three entire minutes of the song is an organ solo. I realize this is technically a keyboard-type instrument, but, like Frankenstein in Guitar Hero I, couldn’t it have been made into a keyboard/guitar sort of thing?

I don’t really know what you could do exactly, but don’t do NOTHING with it. It forces the players, as well as your characters on screen to just STAND THERE. I’ve made entire phone calls during these periods, and one time I even went to the bathroom and STILL had like 15 seconds or so until I had to kick in with my drum solo.

33: How Neversoft butchered Tom Morello’s guitar scratching emulation sounds on Guitar Hero III for his original piece and for “Bulls On Parade” by Rage Against The Machine

I’m pretty sure I’ve <a href=”http://adamdesautel.tripod.com/gh3bullsonparade.html”>said all I can say</a> about this subject already.

34: Squirrels. There’s this one that keeps me from being able to leave my window open at night because every morning. EVERY. MORNING. At 9:00 AM sharp, it sits on a telephone post 20 feet straight outside my third-story bedroom window and… makes this… annoying CHIRPING sound and won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP NO MATTER HOW MUCH I YELL AND SCREAM AT IT.

35: MySpace survey bulletins and the people who do them and pass them on

WHY! WHY DOES ANYONE DO THESE? Nobody else in the world cares “who was the last person to text you?” or “what color shirt are you wearing right now?”

Here’s a news flash: Nobody will read that 70-question survey you wasted a half hour filling out. Nobody. Ever. Nobody cares.

Anyone who fills out one of these even once in their entire lifetime forever loses their ability to say to ANYONE “get a life.” Because you do not have one either. In fact you have an anti-life. You have less than a life. You are worthless as a human being and I hope you get gunned down in the street for wasting the eight seconds of my life it took to see the bulletin, wonder if it’s something interesting, click on it, wait for it to load, see that it’s a survey, and then hit the back button immediately.

36: People who stop at green lights.

37: Semi trucks who try and pass each other at a 0.1 mph speed difference, making it about a ten minute passing procedure.

38: When mash-up songs have “vs” in the title. Green Day is not <i>battling</i> Oasis in the Boulevard of Broken Dreams / Wonderwall remix. Linkin Park and Britney Spears are not fighting each other in the Faint / Toxic mash-up. There is no “versus.” It’s a song, not a contest of some kind.

39: When “God Dammit” is bleeped out on TV or on the radio, but it’s the “God” part that gets edited and not the “dammit” part. Since when is the word “God” offensive? If someone says “God Dangit” it’s not going to be censored at all, but if you change dangit to dammit, then suddenly the God part becomes offensive?

40: <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_video_games#Top_20_console_games_of_all_time”>List of best-selling console video games</a>

WHAT THE FUCK?!  <b>NINTENDOGS</b> IS THE THIRD BEST-SELLING GAME OF ALL TIME?

An example of what this “game” includes:

“If a dog smells urine on the ground, marked on the upper screen map by large, medium, or small dots, proportionate to how recently it has appeared, it will attempt to urinate there. A dog may urinate or defacate at a random point as well; if the latter is not picked up the player will lose trainer points.”

I REST MY CASE.

41: You’re sitting there, watching porn, minding your own business, when one of the two chicks starts sucking on the other one’s foot. WHY? Why would ANYONE find this to be a turn-on? Feet! You walk with them! Do you have any idea how unsanitary and disgusting that is? I would never stick MY OWN feet in my mouth even after taking a shower and then bathing them in a tub of Germ-X for an hour. Anytime feet are introduced to the sexual battlefield, I’m unable to stop thinking about how disgusting it is for at least 10 minutes.

42: Jealous Boyfriends. The guys who won’t let their girlfriend wear certain clothes, won’t let them have friends who are guys, won’t let them talk to other guys, won’t let them watch TV when there are attractive guys on at the moment…. Look, this girl is dating you, not telling you that she will submit to your every wish. Even if you’re MARRIED you have NO RIGHT to tell her what she can and cannot do. This is the “Where are you? Well how many guys are there? Are you wearing a low-cut shirt?” kind of guy. If she is going to cheat on you, she is going to do it, and your hounding her and watching her every move is not going to stop her. So why do it at all? Just let her be herself and, unless she’s a complete whore, she won’t WANT to cheat on you.

43: People who either (1) when learning that someone is talking about them behind their back, or (2) start to realize that someone is ignoring them: Will choose confrontation over change. For example, say you find that someone thinks you are immature. You have two options, confront them about it and make a scene trying to get some sort of answer (which will probably just result in them lying about it to you anyway), OR you could stop being immature so people stop talking about you behind your back. Or if someone is ignoring your phone calls for some reason, take a minute to think about why this person is ignoring you and fix it instead of just asking “Are you ignoring me?” attempting to make them not ignore you by… making them feel bad? I don’t even know.

44: The lack of fire and electric pokemon in the pre-Elite Four Pokemon Diamond and Pearl

There’s a fire-themed Elite Four member. But guess what fire pokemon he has? Rapidash and that one monkey pokemon that evolves from the fire starter. Why not more? BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ONLY ONES IN THE GAME.

I started with the grass… thing, so my ONLY FUCKING FIRE CHOICE IN THE GAME IS A GODDAMN PONYTA. Hmm, do I want Rapidash or NOTHING?

I ended up teaching my Machamp Fire Blast to make up for it, which sucks because he has a sucky Special Attack stat (although No-Guard does make it 100% accurate which was pretty nice).

Advice: Start with the fire one. You can’t even transfer Pokemon until you beat the entire game, so you can either start with the monkey or put up with Rapidash and his mediocre stats.

And electric? I give them credit for having two available electric Pokemon (besides the usual shitty Raichu and such), but I didn’t like either of them, so I had to put up with NO ELECTRIC MOVES up until I could evolve my Haunter and teach it Thunderbolt that I spent like $200,000 to get from the game corner. Which is a shitload of money for a pre-elite four character.

45: When you make a list of something and you get some dumbass number like 44. And can’t think of anything else. Seriously? There’s got to be SOMETHING else in the world that annoys me, but NOPE! Suddenly I can’t think of anything.

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